Conversations With Richard

Richard,

What would you have done? I wrote this as a little story but when it happened I actually started to sweat. And it wasn’t that good type of sweating that I do when we’re together. Quit laughing. I know that you’re going to laugh!

“I can’t believe this happened to me” kisses,
Elisabeth

Although I was VERY content and sated from the trip, also I was tired and sore due to being…hmmm…VERY well loved during my very short time (less then 24 hours) in Houston. So when I finally did get to the airport, I just wanted to get through the lines, get something to eat and get home.

I was flying with a one-way ticket from Houston to Dallas. I THOUGHT that I had thoroughly figured out the logistics for flying home some questionable items. I left the sex toys in my luggage but took a few things, what I thought of as valuables, with me to carry on. While going through the long line, there was a table telling of what could and couldn’t be carried on the plane. Crap. I had forgotten that I had a bottle of KY jelly in my purse. So I leaned over and softly asked the guard if this was a problem. Well, yes it was. So with tons of people watching, I handed over my KY to the officer while a few people smiled. The snickering hadn’t really begun, yet.

The lines were horrific because it was the first day of Spring break. I went through security. “Excuse me mam, would you step over here, please?” Oh God, what had I done? “You’ve been selected for a random screening. You’re not in trouble. Please step behind the glass.” So I was patted down, etc., and everything was fine, I thought.

BEEP. SECURITY BREACH. I couldn’t believe what was happening. Three agents told me in soft and soothing tones that they were going to thoroughly search my belongings. I almost started to sweat.

You see, I had bought a 15” black HARD leather paddle at the Fine Arts Book store in Dallas 15 minutes before leaving town. I thought it would be fun to bring it to Houston and it was a valuable piece. So I had put it in my makeshift laptop bag along with some books. They take out everything and one of the officers found the paddle. She said, “What tha’?” She paused for a moment. “What is this? Are you a teacher or something?” I told her the truth in a very lying sort of way. That sometimes I did teach and it was a gift and it was important to me that I not lose it. And damn, I’m thinking to myself…I have PLANS for that paddle. I gently smile. They thumb through my books while I start to cringe and say to myself, “Oh shit, oh goddamn, oh heck, God I hope that I don’t get into trouble and lose my brand new paddle! Oh jeez, what are they going to do to me?” I started to get worried because I didn’t have my attorney’s number memorized.

The books included titles such as “The Pleasure’s All Mine”, “The Puppy Papers” and “Memories of My Melancholy Whores”. Of course, of the later, I’m thinking that surely they do not realize that a book by Gabriel Garcia Marquez is literature…but I stood quietly with my arms still outstretched. They finally said that I could lower my arms.

They opened my purse and that is when the eight minutes of hell began. I had a small Estee Lauder cosmetic bag in there and when the two remaining security woman opened it they found a cosmetic bag full of condoms of various brands, shapes and sizes. They looked at me in horror and dumped the contents on the table. Oh, there were condoms for smaller penises, larger ones, medium ones, ones ribbed, others for a woman’s pleasure and it was just a smorgasbord of types. One of the ladies asked me what I was planning to do with these? I smiled. “Well, I went to Houston to visit an old friend and go to this party.” The agents gave me dubious looks. All the while people are filing past me and looking at a giant paddle, porn lit and tons of condoms lying on the table next to my laptop.

But they finally found the culprit; A small bottle of Guerlain perfume that I hadn’t found in my junky purse. The bottle only had about five squirts left in it (probably a joke in there somewhere) and when they didn’t toss it into the trash like the previous man had done with the KY jelly, I thought that someone was going to smell very good today.

This would have been comical if this situation was happening to another middle-aged blond. I did pray that while standing with my private items splayed on the table that no one I knew in my professional or regular social life would pass by.

And thanks be to God that I didn’t have my suitcase with me and they searched that!

Now, this is probably a funny story, which is attested to by the roaring laughter by my two friends who heard it. And it must have been funny to the several people who walked through the security gate, gathered their stuff and started to giggle while seeing my array of sexually oriented items while the security people had a discussion and I stood there barefoot with the warning to not move. But they let me pack it all up, including the various condoms that were all over the table and I went directly to an overpriced restaurant, ordered comfort food and a very large beer. Seemed like a fitting thing to do at the time.

This entry was posted Friday, August 17th, 2007 at 9:01 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.